How to Lose to Donald Trump

     Democrats have a natural 3-point advantage in both members (29%-26%) and leaners (45%-42%).  As we saw in 2016, losing to a candidate as repugnant as Orange Julius Caesar requires considerable effort, skill and organization.  The following instructions must be followed to the letter;  one misstep, no matter how inconsequential it may seem, could result in victory.

1.  Begin with a "sympathetic" DNC.

      People are idiots;  don't worry about them spotting the thumb on the scale. If we see Tom Perez  emerge as the DNC Chair we'll know the plan is in place.  In fact, as long as it isn't Keith Ellison or Jehmu Greene, the executive should be able to work around the leader.  (Tangentially, get ready for the ride of your life in the unlikely event that Greene is chosen.)

2.  Reduce the number and visibility of primary debates.

      It is essential to limit the exposure of your candidates so as to cede the maximum number of news cycles to Agent Orange.

3.  Be sure to generate outrage at your voting booths.

      If you can't effect actual vote rigging be sure to create its appearance.  At the very least, make certain the exit polls never match the vote totals.

It's not enough to flush our chances.
We must royal flush them.

4.  It's not enough to ignore your base demographics.  You must attack them.

      Female celebrities who don't vote along strict gender lines must be vilified.  The poor must be denied a federally mandated minimum wage.  Students must, in no uncertain terms, be denied free tuition in state universities.  Environmentalists must see your candidate endorse fracking.  Standing Rock activists must be explicitly snubbed, as must the 58% of Americans (81% of Democrats) who support universal public health care over private insurance.  Unions must be alienated with free trade deals and misrepresentations of your opponent's positions on bailouts.

5.  Select a nominee with historic net negatives who is a terrible campaigner.

      You won't be lucky enough to find another one who has blown a 30 point lead in 2008, doubling that feat in 2016, but there are many clumsy, overrated contenders out there.

6.  Present that nominee as a victim.

     Nothing spells "strength" and inspires confidence more than constant whinging about one's religion, race, gender or status.  Don't worry about trivializing these very serious issues for political gain.

7.  Make xenophobia a central theme of your campaign.

      What works better for Democrats than 1950s style McCarthyism and paranoia?

8.  Target the government you hope to run:  civil servants, bureaucrats, security personnel, etc.

     This succeeded for TeaBaggers.  Why shouldn't it work for Democrats?  Same thing, right?

9. Don't campaign in key/swing states.

     Really, WTF was that schedule about?

10. Use endorsements to divide the party.

     Get virtually every Senate and House member to endorse your candidate from the get go, year in and year out, then express surprise when you lose all of Congress and 66 gubernatorial races.  For good measure, divide Planned Parenthood in the same manner so that 53% of [white] women will vote against your candidate.

     While it isn't essential, associating with "flamboyant" figures (e.g. David Brock, Henry Kissinger, Red Don himself, etc.) raises the candidate's visibility.  There's no such thing as bad publicity, right? 

     Assuming Hillary retires from losing presidential races, there are currently only two candidates who can save Democrats from the White House in 2020.  The first is Vermin Supreme.  The other is:

New Jersey Senator Cory Booker

     Never let it be said that you didn't do your part!